Thursday, April 7. Appeared to myself exceedingly ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should never do any service or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of my life; I longed for deaths beyond measure. When I though of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come! Must it be years first!” But I know, these ardent desires, at the and other times, rose partly for want of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but impatience. Toward night, I had the exercise of faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O the God would keep me near him!
2 comments:
Brainerd's writings are most painful to read and my heart goes out to him. While he had given his life to serving the Lord, he was so "self-focused" as evidenced by his use, over and over, of "I feel,...I...I...I...I." It strikes me that perhaps if he could have gotten "out of himself" more (God first, others second, himself last) and focused more on what God had already done for him and focused on the power of God to make him stronger, he might not have had so many self-doubts. He seemed to keep opening the door for Satan's attack of self-doubt, self-worth,and self-pity. And, for that matter, if we have Jesus, why should anyone long for death over life on earth? I don't believe Jesus' example shows us that we should want "the easy way out."
Brainerd really seemed to hate "the world", which God created, and hadn't reconciled himself with God that his sins were forgiven and he was FREE! It seems as if he didn't really believe what he was trying to preach and was more focused on death than life. Perhaps that was the disease of depression and the hard physical challenges of his life doing their dirty work. But it is sad that this man died young and never seemed to experience any of the gift of joy God gives us right here on earth with the Holy Spirit, our family and friends, the beautiful earth and the ability to glorify God. He seemed to be waiting for "future joy" when rather, the Bible says we have eternal life and therefore are already beginning to live our eternal lives, when we have Jesus. I John 5:11,12
Brainerd seems to still feel so guilty and pained about his sin, which seems to me, undermines what Christ did for him, takes away from the effectiveness of the message he was preaching, but shows he was human.
A few comments that might be helpful:
1) I think with Brainerd, there is something more going on than simply a guy who is down on himself. This is the beauty that many people have found in Brainerd – he does love and delight in God even when his circumstances are so hard pressed against him the other way!
2) As for the self-focus, (a) it is his personal journal and (b) as you read the whole of what he writes, he is very Christ-oriented in his thinking. If you are simply relying on my brief thoughts for a whole view of Brainerd and his journals, then you are getting an incomplete picture.
3) He does seem to lack a real appreciation for God’s creation or at least he doesn’t write about gleaning much joy from it. And that is unfortunate.
4) His focus on sin can bee seen in another light. Too often I think we make light of our sins. I remember being with someone who casually told his wife that he looked at pornography that day (in front of me no less), but that he loved her and was sorry. This was a pattern in their relationship; at the time, he went on doing this sort of “confession” as if nothing had really happened. We tend to do the same thing, I think, with the Lord.
Rather, what I think Brainerd does is that he sees the true ugliness of sin which makes him take such greater joy in his salvation and relationship with Christ! He, I think, shows some real godly sorrow for his sins. Again, these are personal journals; his public discourse may be quite different than what he has written down. This sorrow can be out of balance for sure, but I think many readers are refreshed by his honesty and brokenness.
5) As for Brainerd’s effectiveness, this volume has never been out of print and was one of the major driving forces in the late 18th and earth 19th century modern missions movement. [see http://edwards.yale.edu/major-works/life-of-david-brainerd/]
This book is hard to read and there are some imbalances. But I think for many there is real encouragement in seeing someone who was so afflicted and whose life was so brief and yet he was so devoted to the Lord.
Sorry I took so long to reply.
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